How to Handle Negative Friendships

Lessons from the Life of Job

Handling negative friendships is something most of us have had to wrestle with at some point. Job was no different. In the Old Testament we read about a man who had every reason to curse God and walk away from his faith, and yet he didn’t.

Chapter 27 of the book of Job is one of my favourite moments in all of Scripture, partly because of what Job endures, and partly because of how he responds to the people around him.

Here’s a quick recap if it’s been a while. Job has lost everything.

• His health.
• His wealth.
• His family.

He’s sitting in the rubble of his former life, broken physically, mentally, and emotionally. And right in the middle of all that devastation, his so-called friends show up.

When Friends Make Things Worse

These friends take turns offering what they call exhortation, but it’s really just a string of terrible counsel dressed up as spiritual wisdom. They pile shame on a man who’s already crushed.

They question his character, challenge his faith, and essentially tell him he must have done something wrong to deserve all this. As if losing everything wasn’t hard enough, these men come close to finishing Job off by breaking whatever spirit he had left.

Then Job responds:

“As surely as God lives, who has denied me justice, the Almighty, who has made me taste bitterness of soul, as long as I have life within me, the breath of God in my nostrils, my lips will not speak wickedness, and my tongue will utter no deceit. I will never admit you are in the right; till I die, I will not deny my integrity. I will maintain my righteousness and never let go of it; my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live.” (Job 27:2-6, ESV) Bible.com: Job 27:2-6

Handling Negative Friendships Like Job Did

We can be tempted to fall into the same trap Job avoided. Most of us have people in our lives who are supposed to be friends but who fire us up toward anger or drag us down with guilt without ever really helping us move forward.

It might be about family stuff, career decisions, something that happened at church, or even some tension in a rec league or shared hobby. The specifics don’t matter much because the dynamic is always the same: They add negativity, drama, or shame to an already hard situation.

Maybe you’ve been there before. You’ve sat across from someone who stirred you up or guilted you into something, and almost without thinking you took the bait. You said the thing, you made the move, you let it get under your skin. And later, maybe even that same night, you realized the whole thing pulled you somewhere you didn’t want to go.

That’s what makes Job’s response so powerful. He doesn’t take the bait.

He’s sitting in genuine suffering, surrounded by people who are making it worse, and he still finds a way to hold onto who he is.

Choosing Righteousness When It’s Hard

Jesus calls us to love Him and love others, and that means striving for righteousness even when the people around us make it really difficult. I’m not going to pretend that’s easy. To respond like Job consistently, especially when we’re hurting, is almost impossible.

Full disclosure, I struggle with this stuff all the time. I’ve let people get under my skin more times than I can count, and I’ve said and done things I’m not proud of because I let someone else’s negativity drive my response.

But we can start together, this week, one interaction at a time. As we listen to the advice of the people around us, we can stay sensitive to what we’re feeling and pay attention to what’s actually motivating the counsel we’re receiving. And when that familiar pull toward entitlement or embarrassment shows up, we can ask the Holy Spirit to help us stay the course.

Job said, “I will maintain my righteousness and never let go of it; my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live.” (Job 27:6, ESV) Bible.com: Job 27:6

That’s the kind of conviction that doesn’t come from willpower alone. It comes from someone who knows who he is and whose he is, even when everything around him is falling apart.

Join the Conversation: Answer This Question

• Think about a time when someone’s negative counsel or attitude pulled you away from the person you wanted to be. What was it that finally helped you course-correct?