How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Most of us understand that concept of boundaries on a sports field. My boys play soccer every year, and before any game starts, someone paints fresh white lines in the grass. Those lines are there so everyone knows where the game is actually happening. Healthy boundaries in our relationships work the same way. We set them so we can play the game of life with some integrity.

Paul put it plainly to the Corinthian church:

“Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals'” (1 Corinthians 15:33 ESV).

The people we spend our time with shape us, whether we notice it or not. Setting healthy boundaries is one of the most loving things we can do for our own walk with God.

Why Healthy Boundaries Matter

Boundaries protect us from influences that pull us away from Christ. Sometimes that means stepping back from a friendship or a situation that keeps leading us into the same old temptation. Solomon wrote it this way:

“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (Proverbs 13:20 ESV).

The people around us build us up or wear us down, and part of wisdom is being honest about which one is happening in a given relationship.

For example, it’s easy to fall into the trap of saying yes to things that drained us because we assume a boundary would look unloving to the person needing our help. But that pace of life isn’t sustainable.

A boundary set ahead of time, before the moment of request or the temptation to people-please, long before burnout hits. Boundaries are made with a clear head instead of an exhausted spirit. That’s the whole advantage of drawing the line early with people, within your schedule.

Healthy Boundaries Inside the Church

There’s another type of boundary to be aware of, specifically important to keep a church healthy. Jesus calls us to work through conflict directly rather than letting it fester into gossip or resentment.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15 ESV).

That’s a boundary that protects the relationship between Christian brothers and sisters.

It’s worth highlighting here, that sometimes churches unknowingly build boundaries that hurt more than they help. Be aware of little cliques that can form in church communities, that leave people as an outsider and alone.

Healthy boundaries should protect unity. So, it’s worth asking, which kind of boundaries you’re building within your local church.

Boundaries Outside the Church

Paul’s instruction to the Corinthians, to avoid being “unequally yoked with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14 ESV), usually gets applied to dating and marriage, and it should be. That being said, it’s valuable instruction for business partnerships and close friendships as well.

When your core values don’t line up with someone you’re deeply connected to, that tension will show up eventually. Usually too late to easily make a change. Setting the boundary early on with your eyes open is way less damaging than discovering the hard way three years into the partnership.

Boundaries Bring Freedom

If I could go back in time, here’s what I’d tell my younger self about healthy boundaries:

1. They feel like limits at first, but those boundary lines bring freedom, and prevent confusion.
2. Christ centered boundaries will keep your walk with God intact so you can live and love better.

Where do you need to draw a line this week? Ask God for the courage to draw it, and the grace to draw it well.

Join the Conversation; Share Your Thoughts

• What relationship boundaries have you found most life giving?
• Is there a boundary you need to set or strengthen right now?
• How do you stay close to people who don’t share your faith without losing your own footing?